[SATIRE]

SAN BRUNO — YouTube TV announced plans Tuesday to split its service into genre-based subscriptions. The company calls this “flexibility.” Experts call it “recreating cable but worse.”

Starting in 2026, users can buy specific packs like Sports, News, or Drama. The single monthly bill will disappear. It will be replaced by seven smaller bills that add up to a larger number.

“We heard our customers loud and clear,” said Linda Rossi, VP of Revenue Optimization. “They said the old plan was too simple. They missed the thrill of guessing which package had the channel they wanted. Now, we give them that challenge every day.”

The new system allows extreme precision. For example, the “Football” package lets you watch the game. However, halftime shows are in the “Music” package. Post-game interviews are in the “Talk” package. If you want to see the score overlay, you must add the “Data Visualization” tier.

Early testers found the choices overwhelming. One user tried to watch a rom-com. The movie paused halfway through. A message said the couple’s argument was part of the “Drama” pack, which she did not own.

“This is about value,” explained Marcus Washington, Director of Viewer Journey. “Before, you paid for channels you did not watch. Now, you pay for parts of shows you do not finish. It is a much more efficient way to take your money.” Washington noted that the “Select All” button costs an extra $15 service fee.

At press time, YouTube TV announced a “Sound” add-on. For $5 a month, the people on screen will speak out loud.

Inspired by YouTube TV to launch genre-based subscription plans in 2026.