Instead of spending the next year filing reports on how to cut costs, the department simply stopped answering phones and removed the front door. Insiders claim this created a “power vacuum” designed to suck up wasted tax dollars faster than any human could.

“We ran the numbers and realized the most efficient department is one that isn’t there,” said Brad Halloway, Senior VP of Quitting While Ahead. “By firing ourselves, we saved the taxpayers from paying us to tell them to save money. It is a perfect circle of savings.”

The sudden closure has left Washington in a state of confusion. Other agencies are reportedly paralyzed, unable to file paperwork because the people responsible for banning the paperwork have also left the building. To save time on exit interviews, leadership simply changed the Wi-Fi password and left.

“It’s not a mess, it’s ‘strategic nothingness’,” explained Linda Garris, Director of Confusion Strategy. “If nobody knows who is in charge, nobody can approve a budget increase. We broke the system to fix it.”

At publishing time, the empty DOGE headquarters was reportedly being converted into a Spirit Halloween store.

Inspired by actual events.