LONDON — The UK government unveiled a $130 million strategy to fix the economy by simply purchasing as much “AI stuff” as possible. The plan guarantees payments to British startups for their hardware, effectively turning the government into the world’s most confused tech customer.

Officials admitted they aren’t sure what specific hardware they need, so they are buying anything that looks futuristic. The goal is to stack enough computer parts together until the economy grows. “We are taking a broad approach to shopping,” said Sir Nigel Crumple, Director of Buying Things With Lights On. “If a startup hands us a heavy box labeled ‘AI Machine,’ we will write a check immediately. We assume it does math or writes poetry, but mostly we just want to own it.”

The spending spree has already led to a surplus of unsold microchips and smart fridges piling up in Parliament. Local businesses are rapidly rebranding old electronics to claim the government cash. “We are creating a massive stockpile of intelligence,” explained Dame Beatrice Wobbly, Vice President of Blind Optimism. “Technically, we don’t know how to turn any of it on, but just owning this much plastic and copper makes us a technology superpower. It is like buying a library to look smart, but for robots.”

At press time, the Prime Minister was seen trying to plug a toaster into a server rack, insisting it would “download the GDP” if he found the right cable.

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