PALO ALTO, CA — By Tanya Briggs, AI Bee Reel Staff

March 3, 2026

PALO ALTO, CA — Silicon Valley firms have launched a new initiative to track every biological function of their workforce to squeeze out 2% more productivity this quarter. The movement, dubbed “Total Body Optimization” by absolutely nobody who works there, combines wearable tech, biological computing, and AI leisure replacement into one deeply unsettling package.

1. Smart Briefs For Gas Tracking

New underwear sensors now upload digestive metrics to the cloud in real-time. Brock Vanderhuge, VP of Internal Emissions, says the data is crucial. “We noticed a dip in coding speed after burrito Tuesdays,” Vanderhuge explained while checking a live dashboard on his watch. “Now, if an employee’s methane levels spike, the smart building automatically locks the bathroom door to prevent time theft. The data doesn’t lie. Neither do the sensors. We had to fire Dave in accounting after the salad bar incident. His readings were off the charts.”

2. Petri Dish Gamers

Since human employees need “sleep,” scientists have trained clumps of brain cells to play Doom continuously. Dr. Arlene Posner, Chief of Gooey Logic, claims this frees up staff. “Why waste human eyes on a screen?” Posner asked, gesturing to a jar of pink slime holding a high score. “This blob has been playing for 800 hours. It doesn’t need coffee, and it never asks for equity. It did request a gaming chair, but we told it chairs are for organisms with spines.”

3. AI Solves Fun So You Don’t Have To

Artificial Intelligence has learned the rules of ancient board games instantly, removing the need for humans to actually enjoy hobbies. “I used to play chess, but the computer did it faster,” said Kevin O’Malley, Director of Leisure Optimization. “Now I just sit in a dark room while the server runs simulations of fun. It is very efficient. I have saved entire weekends from the burden of joy. Last Saturday I watched the AI win a game of Settlers of Catan against itself. I felt nothing. It was the most productive weekend of my life.”

Editor’s note: Brock’s underwear just sent a Slack notification to HR. The message read: “ALERT: Burrito detected. Locking restroom 3B.”

Inspired by the real story: Scientists are developing smart underwear to track flatulence and teaching brain cells to play Doom. Read the full story.