[SATIRE]

MOUNTAIN VIEW — Google announced a major update to Search on Tuesday. The classic list of blue links is gone. Instead, users will see one 2,000-word essay written by AI.

The company calls this feature “Deep Dive.” It forces you to scroll through the entire AI summary before you can see any websites. Google says this helps users “slow down.”

“We noticed users were finding answers too quickly,” said Kevin Wu, VP of Engagement Strategy. “They would type a query, click a link, and leave. That is a missed opportunity for connection. Now, they must spend quality time with our generated text first.”

The AI summary cannot be skipped. It often includes a backstory about the topic. If you search for “weather,” it begins with the history of clouds. Users have reported that the scroll bar locks until the text is read.

“Accuracy is a legacy metric,” explained Fatima Rossi, Director of Information Experience. “Our AI sometimes invents facts. We call those ‘creative sparks.’ Users tell us they enjoy the mystery. They like not knowing if the mushroom is safe to eat. It adds excitement to the search journey.”

At press time, Google announced a “Classic” subscription. For $20 a month, you can see the websites you were looking for.

Inspired by Google’s AI Overviews.