NEW YORK — Wall Street analysts confirmed today that the global economy now depends entirely on a computer program writing bad poems. Forecasts for the "Magnificent 7" tech stocks predict massive growth in 2026. This assumes AI can generate enough awkward emails to justify trillions of dollars.

Investors are pouring cash into Nvidia and Google. They believe the future of finance relies on chatbots summarizing meetings that nobody attended. "We value the ability to generate a recipe for soup at roughly $4 trillion," said Michael Thompson, Vice President of Wishful Math at Goldman Sachs. "If the AI stops writing cover letters for people, the NASDAQ might actually vanish."

The forecast assumes every human on Earth will soon pay $20 a month to have AI fix their grammar. Banks are reportedly replacing gold reserves with servers that generate pictures of dogs playing poker. Experts warn that the market is now totally linked to auto-complete tools. "Our entire financial system is held together by a text box," explained Dr. Lisa Nguyen, Director of Bubble Maintenance. "It is a very sturdy house of cards built on digital sand."

At press time, the New York Stock Exchange paused trading after ChatGPT refused to write a haiku about interest rates, causing the Dow Jones to drop 4,000 points instantly.

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