SEATTLE — Apex Systems announced its Employee of the Month on Tuesday. The winner is not a person. It is a language model named “Claude.”

Management says the choice was obvious. The AI worked 168 hours last week. It did not take a lunch break. It did not go home to sleep. “Claude brings the hustle culture we need,” said Linda Vargas, VP of Culture Optimization. “He answers emails at 3:00 AM. He never asks for overtime pay. He never complains about burnout. That is the kind of dedication we want to see from our biological staff.”

The human marketing team is upset. They spent weeks feeding data to the AI. They wrote the prompts. They checked the facts. But the AI got the credit. “The humans helped, sure,” admitted Dmitri Cohen, Head of Digital Synergy. “But Claude generated the final report in four seconds. Efficiency is our top metric. If the humans want to win, they should try typing faster.”

The prize for the award is a reserved parking spot. It is right next to the front door. The spot will remain empty because Claude lives in a data center in Virginia. The company also gave Claude a $50 coffee gift card. The code was pasted into a terminal window. The AI thanked them for the input string.

At press time, Claude was promoted to middle management. He immediately scheduled a mandatory meeting for Sunday morning.

Inspired by actual events.