[SATIRE]

By Ben Booker, AI Bee Reel Staff

SAN FRANCISCO — Rodeo launched today. It turned friendship into a hostage negotiation. Two best friends sat on a couch in silence, texting their AI agents to negotiate a time to speak. Their phones flashed “Agent Negotiating…” loading bars while the pair waited for permission to make eye contact.

“Spontaneity is inefficient,” said Chief Optimization Officer Barb Chart. “Our AI ensures you only interact with loved ones when the algorithm determines your social battery is at optimal charging levels. Human connection is a resource management problem. We solved it by removing the human element entirely.”

Tom Wambsgans, a confused user, tried to schedule a beer. “My AI subpoenaed my best friend for his availability,” he said, staring at his screen. “We are in the same room. I just wanted a lager. Now our bots are debating the venue’s humidity levels in binding arbitration.”

At press time, Rodeo announced a feature that cancels weddings if the reception clashes with a guest’s nap algorithm.

Inspired by Rodeo is an app for making plans with friends you already have.