While the FBI has urged owners to reset their devices to remove the “Cyclops Blink” malware, many users report that the hackers are doing a better job managing the network than the original owners ever did. Reports indicate the suspected state actors are “laying low” by quietly installing missing software updates and fixing configuration errors that had plagued the devices for years.

“Technically, this is a major security breach,” said Greg Miller, Director of Uncomfortable Truths at a major cybersecurity firm. “But practically speaking, the hackers organized the file systems and optimized the bandwidth for 4K streaming. It is the best tech support these devices have ever seen.”

Homeowners are now expressing concern that following the government’s advice to reboot their routers will result in a return to slow loading times and spotty connections.

“I used to have to restart my router once a week,” said Brenda Halloway, a local mother of three. “Now, a nice anonymous team overseas keeps it running 24/7. I hope they don’t get fired.”

At publishing time, Asus announced a new “Pro” subscription tier that simply hands full control of your home network to a random server in Shanghai.

Inspired by actual events.