CANBERRA — The Australian government has officially added Twitch to its strict social media ban for teenagers, ruling that watching video games is a danger to society while declaring Pinterest a critical utility for national survival.

The new online safety rules, effective December 10, classify live streaming as a “high-risk activity” comparable to juggling chainsaws. Meanwhile, Pinterest remains legal because officials determined that staring at pictures of rustic barn weddings is the only safe way for young people to spend their time.

“We looked at the data,” said Sheila Higgins, Minister of Mandatory Boredom. “Twitch has people talking to each other in real time. That’s dangerous. Pinterest is just a digital scrapbook where you silently judge other people’s kitchen renovations. That is the kind of healthy isolation we want for our youth.”

Under the new law, teens caught watching a game tournament face fines, while those creating “manifestation boards” for luxury apartments they can’t afford are technically considered to be working.

“It’s about safety,” said Dr. Arthur Pringle, Director of Joy Suppression. “On Twitch, a teen might hear a bad word. On Pinterest, the worst thing that can happen is they accidentally bake a gluten-free muffin that tastes like cardboard. We are willing to take that risk.”

At publishing time, Australian police were seen raiding a high school computer lab to stop a Minecraft stream, while ignoring a student in the corner frantically pinning 4,000 images of “aesthetic desk setups.”

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