SEATTLE — By Will Powers, AI Bee Reel Staff

February 10, 2026

SEATTLE, WA — Local accountant Mark Henderson, 35, tore apart his home office today, frantically searching for his original long-form birth certificate. He was not applying for a passport or a mortgage. He simply needed to enter a chat room to discuss block placement in Minecraft. Henderson dumped a box of old tax returns onto the floor, sweating profusely, as his Discord app remained frozen on a “Teen-Safe Mode” lock screen.

“We assume every user is a confused thirteen-year-old until proven otherwise,” said Marcus Thorne, Director of Digital Gates. “Unless you upload a government ID, a current utility bill, and a thumbprint, you are legally a child in our eyes. This ensures a safe, teen-appropriate experience for 40-year-old men who just want to share funny cat pictures.”

The new safety update has left millions scrambling for paperwork usually reserved for buying a house. “It is a very simple system,” explained Elena Rodriguez, VP of User Friction. “Once a notary public verifies your identity over a live webcam call, you can access your memes again in three to five business days.” Meanwhile, Henderson was seen calling his mother to ask if she still had his immunization records, just in case the app demanded proof of a tetanus shot to unlock the ‘General’ channel.

At press time, Discord announced that posting an animated GIF now requires a full FBI background check and three character references.

Inspired by the real story: Discord is rolling out a system where all users are placed in a restricted “teen” mode unless they prove they are adults. Read the full story.