While cybersecurity experts initially labeled the event a catastrophe involving the hacking group Scattered Lapsus$ Hunters, corporate officials insist the public is misunderstanding the terminology. Instead of viewing the stolen files as a security failure, the company suggests viewing them as a sudden, enthusiastic donation to the public domain.

“To call this ‘hacking‘ is really a matter of perspective,” said Marcus Thorne, Google’s Vice President of Positive Reframing. “We prefer to think of Scattered Lapsus$ Hunters not as criminals, but as aggressive off-site backup consultants who work strictly on commission.”

The tech giant insisted that the exposed files—which originated from a compromise at software vendor Gainsight—were merely being “liberated” from their secure servers. When asked about the hackers’ threats to release more sensitive documents unless paid, officials described the ransom demands as “expedited retrieval fees” for the new decentralized storage solution.

“We have successfully removed the hassle of passwords by removing the walls around the data entirely,” added Sarah Jenkins, Director of Unintentional Sharing. “It is the ultimate ease of access.”

At publishing time, Salesforce was reportedly updating its terms of service to list “identity theft” as a complimentary networking feature included in the Enterprise tier.

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