[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — OpenAI released a new report this week. It claims AI “power users” are six times more productive than normal workers. Corporate leaders are rushing to reward these high performers.

The metric for productivity is simple. It counts words, not results. “We see a clear divide,” said Sanjay Patel, VP of Workforce Optimization. “Some employees write a quick answer. Power users generate a five-page essay. The essay looks like more work. Therefore, it is better.”

The report highlights the speed of these users. They can fill an inbox in seconds. “It used to take an hour to confuse a client,” explained Linda Mwangi, Director of Digital Excellence. “Now, a junior associate can confuse a whole department in minutes. That is the kind of scale we need.” Mwangi noted that non-AI users are falling behind. They are wasting time checking if facts are true.

Regular workers are feeling the pressure. The study shows a new bottleneck. For every one power user, six people must stop working to read what they wrote. “My team is very productive,” said Patel. “Nobody knows what they are saying. But they are saying a lot of it.”

At press time, OpenAI announced a new tool. It uses AI to summarize the long emails that the other AI wrote.

Inspired by OpenAI report reveals a 6x productivity gap between AI power users and everyone else.