SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a bold move to capture the full spectrum of human experience, OpenAI is now requiring independent contractors to digitize every embarrassing document they have ever created. Witnesses reported seeing a local contractor dumping a dusty cardboard box containing a 3rd-grade diary, a failed screenplay, and angry letters to an ex onto a high-tech scanner while a lead scientist nodded solemnly.

By Amara Okafor, AI Bee Reel Staff

“We need raw emotional data to teach the model about heartbreak and bad grammar,” said Kevin Zhang, VP of Human Archives. “Your personal angst is our competitive advantage.” While an intellectual property lawyer noted that the company is “putting itself at great risk” by ingesting potential copyright nightmares, Zhang insisted the legal exposure was necessary to help the AI understand why ‘Becky’ ruined the summer of 2004.

“The model currently struggles with passive-aggressive sticky notes,” explained Sarah Miller, Director of Alignment. “We are asking contractors to upload not just code, but their middle school fan fiction.” One contractor was seen weeping softly as the scanner processed a drawing of a horse that looked like a potato, knowing it would soon help generate enterprise software solutions.

At press time, the new GPT-5 model refused to write Python scripts until it received closure from its ex-girlfriend, Cheryl.

Inspired by the real story: OpenAI is reportedly asking contractors to upload past work samples to train models, raising major legal questions. Read the full story.