[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — A new iPad app called TaskMaster Pro launched on Tuesday. It promises to revolutionize how people work. Early reviews say it is perfect for anyone who loves planning work but hates actually doing it.

The app turns simple lists into complex projects. Users can no longer just write down a task. They must assign it a priority, a tag, a color, and a mood. “We noticed people were finishing tasks too fast,” said Mateo Wu, VP of Workflow Optimization. “Our goal is to slow that down. With our app, writing ‘Buy Milk’ involves twelve steps. You have to pick a specific icon. By the time you finish the setup, you feel like you really achieved something.”

The app includes a feature called “Focus Mode.” It locks you out of your email until you have organized your folders by shade of blue. This has caused delays for many businesses. One marketing director reported spending six hours choosing the right font for his meeting agenda. He missed the meeting.

“Efficiency is a mindset, not a result,” explained Linda Patel, Head of User Experience. “If you spend three hours organizing your dashboard, that is three hours you did not have to answer emails. We sell the illusion of control. That is why our ‘Pro’ tier lets you color-code your panic. It makes the anxiety look very professional.” Patel noted that the most popular feature is the “Reschedule All” button. It moves all overdue tasks to tomorrow with a satisfying ‘ding’ sound.

At press time, TaskMaster Pro announced an AI update. For an extra $10 a month, the AI will judge you for not finishing the list you spent four hours making.

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