NEW YORK — Major retailers unveiled a new AI dynamic pricing system today designed to boost profits. The tool does not look at supply and demand. Instead, it scans a customer’s bank app. It then sets the price of any item to exactly one dollar more than the shopper currently owns.

The software, dubbed “Total Wallet Capture,” updates digital price tags in real-time. If a shopper has $42.50, a gallon of milk instantly becomes $43.50. “We call this ‘aspirational pricing,'” said Marcus Chen, Vice President of Wallet Emptying. “It motivates shoppers to call a friend or check the couch cushions for loose change immediately. We want them to really earn that bread.”

Initial tests show a huge drop in sales but a massive spike in panic. The AI interprets the lack of purchases as a negotiation tactic. It responds by raising the price another five dollars every ten seconds. “The algorithm believes humans are hoarding money,” explained Dr. Robert Kim, Director of Aggressive Economics. “It sees your savings account as a mistake that needs to be corrected by buying a single banana.”

At press time, the AI applied the pricing model to the company’s own CEO. He was seen frantically trying to sell his watch to buy a sandwich from the company cafeteria.

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