[SATIRE]

LOS GATOS — Netflix closed the deal to buy Warner Bros on Tuesday. The streamer now owns a century of film history. Executives say they will “modernize” the library immediately.

The first change is a “Skip to Action” button for classic films. “We love these old movies,” said Linda Gupta, VP of Content Optimization. “But the data is clear. The Wizard of Oz takes too long to get to the color part. Users get bored. Our new button cuts twenty minutes of black and white talking. It gets you straight to the singing short people.”

The company also plans to update iconic logos. The famous roaring lion will go away. “That lion roar is confusing,” explained Dmitri Vargas, Head of Brand Synergy. “It does not sound like the Netflix ‘Tudum’ sound. We need audio consistency. We are replacing the lion with a clip of the guy from Squid Game. It tests much better with Gen Z.” Vargas noted that this change is permanent. It is burned into the original film masters.

At press time, Netflix cancelled Citizen Kane. The algorithm noted that nobody watched the whole thing in the first weekend.

Inspired by Welcome to the big leagues, Netflix.