[SATIRE]

ARMONK, NY — IBM CEO Arvind Krishna shocked the tech world this week. He announced a controversial plan. The company will continue to hire human beings.

Investors were confused. Most tech companies are currently trying to replace staff with chatbots to save money. But IBM sees a market opening. They are branding human workers as a premium, vintage feature.

“We view people as a luxury product,” said Sanjay Dubois, VP of Organic Intelligence. “AI is cheap and fast. But it lacks the ability to look busy while doing nothing. That is a skill only a human has. Our enterprise clients are willing to pay for that kind of theater.”

The company admits humans have downsides. They need sleep. They ask for raises. They complain about the office temperature. IBM says this is part of the charm.

“It is like buying a mechanical watch,” explained Sarah Washington, Head of Carbon-Based Assets. “A digital watch is more accurate. But a mechanical watch has gears you can see. It breaks down more often. That proves it is real. We are selling that authentic, error-prone experience to our customers.”

Washington noted that humans are also useful for legal reasons. “When an AI crashes a database, it is a system error,” she said. “When a human does it, we have someone to fire. That accountability is worth the salary cost.”

At press time, IBM announced a new “Artisanal Support” tier. For an extra $500 an hour, a real person will answer the phone and tell you they do not know the answer.

Inspired by actual events.