[SATIRE]

SEATTLE — Sales of high-end noise-canceling headphones hit a record high this week. Analysts link the surge to strict return-to-office mandates. Workers are not buying them for music. They are buying them for survival.

The modern open office was designed for collaboration. Instead, it has created a noise level similar to a busy airport. Employees are now spending their own money to block it out. “We brought everyone back to spark creativity,” said Jamal Cohen, VP of Workplace Synergy. “But the creativity was too loud. People could not hear their own thoughts. Now they wear $400 headsets to ignore the people we forced them to sit next to. It is a perfect system.”

Most workers do not even play music. They just turn on the noise cancellation feature. It creates a bubble of silence. This allows them to simulate the quiet environment they had at home for free. “The open floor plan encourages spontaneous connection,” explained Sarah Wu, Director of Focus Optimization. “Unfortunately, spontaneous connection is terrible for actually doing work. The headphones act as a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign for your face. It is the only way to send an email without hearing about someone’s weekend.”

Tech companies are embracing the trend. Many now list noise-canceling headphones as “essential safety gear” alongside fire extinguishers. However, they still require employees to buy the gear themselves.

At press time, Bose announced a new “Manager Mode.” For an extra $50, the headphones will automatically nod your head while you ignore your boss.

Inspired by actual events.