[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — Global consulting giant Stratosphere unveiled a groundbreaking new framework Tuesday. They call it “Infinite Agility.” The core concept is simple. Companies should stop setting goals entirely. Goals only limit your options.

The firm argues that picking a destination is a legacy mindset. Modern business moves too fast for plans. “If you know where you are going, you are already behind,” said Sanjay O’Malley, VP of Strategic Ambiguity. “We advise clients to just start running. It does not matter which way. The important thing is that you are sweating. That proves you are working hard.”

Several tech companies have already adopted the model. They report high activity levels. One software firm launched five contradictory products in one week. They cancelled all of them by Friday. The executive team called this a “win” for velocity.

“We have never moved faster,” explained Linda Washington, Chief Motion Officer at a major logistics firm. “We used to waste time looking at maps. Now we just drive the trucks in random directions. Our fuel costs are up 400%, but our agility score is off the charts.” Washington noted that the lack of a destination removes the fear of failure. You cannot get lost if you are not trying to go anywhere.

Employees are less enthusiastic. Many report attending “alignment meetings” that last four hours. The meetings have no agenda. “We just sit there and pivot,” said one senior engineer who asked to remain anonymous. “Yesterday we pivoted twelve times before lunch. I don’t know what we build anymore. I just type code until someone tells me to stop.”

At press time, the strategy team announced a new roadmap. It is just a picture of a dog chasing its own tail.

Inspired by actual events.