[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — Corporate HR departments have found a new way to sort employees. A major consulting firm launched a program Tuesday that replaces Myers-Briggs tests with dog breeds. They claim it is based on new genetic science.

The program is called “Canine Style Matching.” It assigns every worker a breed based on a ten-minute survey. “We used to use four letters to describe people,” said Sophia Patel, VP of Talent Optimization. “Now we use breeds. It is much faster. If someone is a Border Collie, we give them more work until they collapse. If they are a Pug, we do not expect much after lunch.”

Employees report that the labels now determine their career paths. “Retrievers” get bonuses for fetching coffee. “Terriers” are sent to collections because they will not let things go. One accountant was labeled a “Husky” and moved to a desk directly under the air conditioning vent. He is no longer allowed to speak, only howl.

Management insists this helps the bottom line. “We realized we were treating everyone like humans,” explained Kevin Rossi, Director of Human Capital. “That was inefficient. Now we know who needs praise and who needs a firm ‘no.’ We found that 80% of our sales team are Jack Russell Terriers. They are annoying, but they have high energy.”

At press time, the CEO took the test. His result was “Cat.” He knocked a glass of water off the table and left for the day.

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