[SATIRE]

CUPERTINO — Apple released the updated Vision Pro headset this week. It now features the powerful M5 chip. The company says this processor is critical for the future of spatial computing. Early reviews suggest it is mostly critical for rendering isolation at higher speeds.

The device still costs $3,500. It is still heavy. But the new chip ensures the digital screens floating in your empty apartment are crisper than ever. “The M5 chip is a beast,” said Kevin Gupta, VP of Immersion Strategy. “It renders your solitude with zero lag. Previous chips struggled to show the dust on your coffee table in full 8K resolution. Now, the loneliness feels incredibly sharp.”

Apple highlighted the improved “Environments” feature. This lets users replace their messy room with a fake mountain. The M5 chip makes this switch instant. “We noticed users felt too connected to reality,” said Sarah O’Malley, Director of Human Disconnection. “The M5 lets you block out your actual life faster. You can forget you are eating cold cereal alone at 2 PM. That is the magic of spatial computing.”

The update also improves the “Persona” feature. This creates a digital ghost of your face for video calls. The new system uses AI to add “micro-expressions.” It can now accurately simulate the look of someone wondering why they bought a $3,500 hat.

At press time, Apple announced a new “Social Battery” accessory. It is a literal battery that costs $299. It powers the headset for an extra hour of avoiding eye contact.

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