[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — A new industry report says employees are leaving jobs too fast. Executives have a name for this. They call it “Revenge Quitting.” They say it hurts the company’s feelings.

The report claims that leaving a job because you are unhappy is aggressive. “We view resignation as a failure of loyalty,” said James Sterling, VP of Human Capital Flow at a major logistics firm. “When a worker leaves because they are tired, they are stealing their future labor from us. We had plans for that labor. Now we have to do the work ourselves. That is not fair to management.”

Companies are trying to stop this trend. They are not offering more money. They are not hiring more staff. Instead, they are offering “resilience training.” This teaches staff how to suffer quietly. One tech firm now requires a “Notice of Intent to Leave” six months in advance. This gives them time to tell you why you are wrong.

“It is about professional courtesy,” explained Maria Gonzalez, Director of Retention Strategy. “If you leave abruptly, you disrupt our synergy. We simply ask that you stay until we find someone cheaper to replace you. Is that so much to ask? Leaving us with our own bad documentation is cruel.”

At press time, the company announced a “Departure Tax.” Employees must now pay $500 to cover the cost of their own exit interview.

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