[SATIRE]

MOUNTAIN VIEW — Google announced a major breakthrough on Tuesday. They built a computer chip faster than Nvidia’s best model. Investors cheered. The stock price went up. But on Thursday, Google cancelled the project.

The company said it was a “strategic shift.” They moved the entire chip team to a different department. They are now building a messaging app.

“We looked at the market carefully,” said Sarah Johnson, VP of Strategic Alignment. “Everyone wants AI chips right now. That is true. But we asked ourselves a hard question. Does the world have enough chat apps? The answer was clearly no.”

Google currently has five different chat apps. This new one will replace three of them. It will launch next month.

The decision confused many experts. Nvidia is worth trillions because of its chips. Google had a chance to catch up. Instead, they chose stickers and emojis.

“Hardware is hard,” explained Michael O’Brien, Director of User Engagement. “You have to ship real boxes. Software is easier. If people don’t like the new chat app, we just delete it. We are very good at deleting things. It is our core skill.”

The new app is called “Google Hello.” It requires a new account. It does not work with your old messages. It does not work with Android phones yet.

At press time, Google announced plans to shut down Google Hello in 2026. They will replace it with a new email client.

Inspired by actual events.