“We checked the scoreboard, and it’s a blowout,” said Brad Halloway, Google’s Senior Vice President of Gloating. “Gemini 3 didn’t just pass the medical board exam; it cured three diseases during its lunch break. At this point, the race is done. We are currently converting our research labs into pickleball courts.”

To mark the victory, Google has reportedly sent a box of plastic participation ribbons to rival tech firms. The package included a polite note suggesting they switch to making “smart” toaster ovens instead of trying to catch up.

“It’s like playing chess against a pigeon, except the pigeon is a supercomputer and we are the ones knocking over the pieces,” said Dr. Elena Rostova, Director of Hurt Feelings. “We advise our competitors to just unplug their servers and enjoy the outdoors.”

At publishing time, Gemini 3 was reportedly rewriting its own press release because it found the human version “boring and slow.”

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