“We realized the biggest problem with modern technology is that you can use it,” said Julian Vane, Head of Minimalist Pretension at the new venture. “By removing the ability to ask questions, make calls, or turn the device on, we have created the ultimate user experience. It doesn’t serve you; you serve it by keeping it polished.”

Insiders report the device costs $1,500 and uses “intuitive silence” to answer queries. If a user asks for the weather, the orb simply sits there, encouraging the user to look out a window. If asked for a recipe, it reflects the user’s face in its polished surface, suggesting they should already know how to cook.

“It is the bravest design in history,” said Elena Cross, Senior VP of Expensive Shapes. “It is so advanced that it doesn’t even need a computer inside it. It is pure, unadulterated form. It is a rock, but smarter.”

At publishing time, early testers reported the AI hardware had successfully rolled off a table and was currently suing the floor for scratching its finish.

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