SAN MATEO, CA — In a tense interview regarding child safety and tech ethics, Roblox CEO Dave Baszuki defended the gaming giant’s record, insisting the digital world is perfectly safe for any child who possesses the judgment of a 40-year-old lawyer.

Baszuki pushed back against questions about the platform’s dangers, arguing that what critics call “risks” are actually just “interactive lessons in trust.” The company maintains that their safety tools work perfectly, provided the user has two decades of life experience and a background in risk management.

“We have zero safety incidents involving children who are actually undercover FBI agents,” said Jennifer Wu, Roblox’s VP of Selective Statistics. “If a six-year-old cannot spot a complex financial scam inside a pixelated pizza parlor, that is a parenting issue, not a software issue. We provide the tools; the toddlers must provide the vigilance.”

To further improve security, the company announced a new feature that automatically reclassifies any stolen digital money as a “tuition fee” for the University of Life. Officials noted that safety is a shared responsibility between the massive corporation and the second-grader holding the iPad.

“Our goal is to prepare kids for the real world,” said Tom Miller, Director of Tough Love. “And in the real world, strangers lie to you. We are simply providing that service earlier than usual.”

At publishing time, Roblox clarified that the safest way to play the game is to simply watch a YouTube video of someone else playing it.

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