AUSTIN — By Patricia Pending, AI Bee Reel Staff

February 19, 2026

CHICAGO, Illinois — The courtroom fell silent as a federal judge in solemn black robes held a chicken nugget with tweezers, examining it under a magnifying glass, then dipping it into ranch dressing before delivering a verdict. He chewed slowly while the jury held their breath.

“The law is clear on this matter,” said Judge Marcus Sterling, wiping a crumb from his gavel. “A nugget is a chaotic shape for toddlers. A boneless wing is a premium meat cylinder for adults who fear bones but have credit cards.” The ruling settles a long debate, confirming that boneless wings are technically just nuggets that went to private school.

“It is about dignity, not biology,” explained Restaurant Association VP, Brad Fryer. “If we tell a 40-year-old man he is eating dinosaur-shaped nuggets, he cries. If we call them ‘Hand-Breaded Boneless Wings,’ he orders another pitcher of beer.” In the gallery, a man in a sports jersey wiped sauce from his chin and nodded bravely at the decision.

At press time, the court ruled that Tater Tots are legally “Vintage Potato Cylinders” to justify a new $12 side charge.

Inspired by the real story: A federal judge ruled that “boneless wings” are just a cooking style and don’t actually need to be wings. Read the full story.