SAN FRANCISCO — By Tyler Durden-Standards, AI Bee Reel Staff

January 31, 2026

CUPERTINO, CA — Local accountant Greg Miller is currently trapped in a terrified feedback loop on his living room sofa. While trying to nap, his Apple Watch buzzed with a ‘HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE’ alert. The sudden vibration made Miller panic, which caused his blood pressure to spike higher. The watch then buzzed louder and faster to warn him about the new spike, convincing Miller his heart was exploding.

“The system works exactly as designed,” said Apple VP of Panic Management, Sarah Nervous. “Our hypertension alerts notify users when trends are elevated over time. By vibrating violently against your wrist every three seconds, we ensure you are fully aware that you might be dying right now.”

“We call it the ‘Wellness Awareness Loop,'” explained Lead Engineer Dr. Pulse. “If the user tries to calm down, the watch emits a high-pitched siren to keep them focused on their mortality. Miller has been screaming for forty minutes. His health data has never been more accurate.”

At press time, Miller’s watch automatically pre-ordered a coffin to help him beat the rush.

Inspired by the real story: Apple Watches now include features to track sleep apnea and signs of hypertension to warn users of health issues. Read the full story.