NEW YORK — MENLO PARK, Calif. — Instagram announced today that its platform has never been more secure, mostly because users are too busy resetting passwords to get hacked. This follows reports of a couple on a romantic date watching their phones vibrate off the table and onto the floor, buzzing in unison like angry hornets as 500 reset emails arrived.

By Priya Sharma, AI Bee Reel Staff

“We consider publicizing your home address a ‘social feature’ rather than a breach,” said VP of Digital Safety, Marcus Wellby. Malwarebytes reported the leak exposed sensitive info for 17.5 million users, including phone numbers and physical addresses. “Technically, if everyone knows where you live, you are never truly alone, which is our mission statement.”

“Real security is knowing everyone already has your password,” explained Senior Director of Panic, Linda Chang. “It removes the mystery and streamlines the hacking process.” She gestured to a user in a local coffee shop who was frantically typing a 45-character code while weeping softly into a cold latte.

At press time, Instagram introduced a new feature that automatically posts your credit card number to Stories to save hackers time.

Inspired by the real story: While Instagram claims accounts are secure, Malwarebytes reported a massive breach exposing data for millions of users. Read the full story.