“We view the sun as a competitor,” said Director of Orbital Clutter Sarah Jenkins. “It causes glare on phone screens.” The FCC just approved 7,500 more units. This brings the total Gen2 fleet to nearly 15,000. “Customers want fast internet,” Jenkins added. “They don’t want to see stars. Stars are low resolution. 4K streaming is life.”

The new ‘Blackout Tier’ guarantees zero natural light. “It is perfect for gamers,” explained VP of Atmospheric Denial Marcus Chen. “You never have to close your blinds again.” Local dad Tom Wilson was seen trying to find the Big Dipper. He gave up after spotting a Starlink train spelling out a crypto ticker. He just went inside to watch Netflix instead. “The sky buffering was too slow anyway,” Wilson muttered.

At press time, Musk cleared four lines of satellites and accidentally deleted the moon.

Inspired by the real story: SpaceX received FCC approval to deploy up to 7,500 additional Starlink satellites to complete their Gen2 constellation. Read the full story.