“We realized the only thing missing from plastic waste was the ability for it to talk back to you and demand software updates,” said CEO Mark Poly, defending the new “Chatty-Statty” feature. “Previously, collectors just stared at vinyl figures in silence. Now, thanks to our smart bases, the toys can critique your lifestyle choices in real-time. It creates a dynamic bond built on nagging.”

Anita Racks, a warehouse picker in Ohio, faced a similar uprising in her downstairs den. When she attempted to dust her limited-edition quarterback figure, it swiveled its head and loudly recited its own batting average to avoid being touched. “I just wanted a quiet hobby,” Racks noted, while three hundred tiny plastic heads turned away from her in unison, their internal cooling fans whirring aggressively against the silence.

At press time, the collectibles had successfully formed a trade union, barricading the basement door and refusing entry until the owner installed a HEPA-filtered glass display case.

Inspired by AI is coming for collectibles next.