[SATIRE]

REDMOND — Microsoft executives pushed back on layoff rumors this week. They insist the company is not cutting jobs. Instead, they are launching a program called “Mandatory External Promotions.”

The company says this is about growth. Specifically, your growth at a different company. “We do not fire people,” explained Aesha Cohen, VP of Strategic Alignment. “We simply align their employment status with zero. This gives them the total freedom to explore the job market. A paycheck was just holding them back from their true potential.”

Security guards are now called “Transition Partners.” They help employees celebrate their new status by escorting them out immediately. The company claims this speed prevents second thoughts. “Efficiency is our goal,” said Kevin Tanaka, Head of Organizational Flow. “When we remove a salary, we create budget synergy. The employee loses an income. But the shareholders gain confidence. We view this as a fair trade.” Tanaka noted that badges stop working to encourage “forward momentum.”

At press time, Microsoft sent a bill to departed staff. The company is charging $200 for the “career coaching” of locking them out of their email.

Inspired by Microsoft Execs Respond to ‘Mass Layoff’ Rumors.