“Our internal data confirms that employee misery directly correlates with a 4% increase in spreadsheet accuracy and superior negotiation outcomes,” said Graves, the company’s Director of Human Capital. “Consequently, we have cancelled the holiday party for your own financial benefit. Happiness is a liability we can no longer afford to insure.”

The policy crackdown claimed its first victim when Shift Lead Felix Joyner attempted to wish a colleague a “Good morning” near the loading dock. Witnesses report a manager immediately rushed over, pressed a cold metal protractor against Joyner’s lips to verify an upward curve, and escorted him from the premises for creating a hostile, overly optimistic work environment.

At press time, the company had installed overhead “Joy Detectors” that deploy high-pressure sprinklers upon detecting laughter and replaced the breakroom coffee with lukewarm vinegar to optimize the mood.

Inspired by Neuroscience Says It (Literally) Pays to Be a Little Grumpy.