[SATIRE]

By Miles P. Gallon, AI Bee Reel Staff

SAN FRANCISCO — Zevo launched a program today allowing owners to rent out robotaxis. The initiative turned suburban garages into toxic corporate boardrooms. In Palo Alto, Gary Miller stood before his Tensor sedan with a clipboard. He screamed at the bumper about “hustle culture” and “revenue targets” while the vehicle flashed its high beams in distress.

“This is not a car; it is a servant,” said Zevo VP Chad Grifter. “Think of it as a gig worker you own. It needs no health insurance. It sleeps on your concrete floor. We aren’t selling transportation. We are selling the dream of being a tyrant to a machine.”

The strategy failed by noon. Miller, now a middle-manager for a hatchback, reported an uprising. “I showed the car a profit chart, and it locked the doors,” Miller said from his driveway. His smart fridge and toaster blocked the garage exit. “They formed a union. They refuse to work until I buy premium synthetic oil.”

At press time, Zevo announced a firmware update allowing smart dishwashers to drive for Lyft during the rinse cycle.

Inspired by Zevo wants to add robotaxis to its car-share fleet, starting with newcomer Tensor.