[SATIRE]

By Justin Sync, AI Bee Reel Staff

MOUNTAIN VIEW — Google released real-time translation headphones today. They destroyed the dating scene. Couples stare dead-eyed at each other for 15 seconds of silence. They wait for the buffer. One person laughs while the other offers a confused thumbs-up. The blinking lights on the oversized cans ruin the candlelight.

“We call this feature ‘The Pause,'” said Product VP Les Talk. “The system preserves the exact tone of the void.” Talk claimed the delay allows the cloud to process complex verb conjugations. “It forces you to maintain eye contact while our servers calculate if she was mocking your haircut.”

Beta tester Mark Void struggled during a dinner date. He waited for the audio to catch up. The new ‘Subtext Mode’ engaged. The robotic voice did not translate his date’s compliment. Instead, it whispered, “She is looking at the waiter.” Mark sat frozen in the silence.

At press time, Google announced a feature that auto-translates your frantic breathing into smooth jazz.

Inspired by Google Translate now lets you hear real-time translations in your headphones.