[SATIRE]

By Les Moore, AI Bee Reel Staff

SEATTLE — Corporate productivity halted today following Jeff Bezos’ advice to limit daily decisions to three. At OmniCorp, CEO Mark Slate sat motionless in a pitch-black office staring at a blank wall. A giant digital scoreboard above his head read “DECISIONS REMAINING: 0.” Slate reportedly reached his cognitive limit at 8:05 AM after selecting a coffee blend and choosing to wear socks. He could not legally choose to open the door.

“High-quality architecture requires doing absolutely nothing,” said Chief Vision Officer Brad Staller. He spoke while vibrating gently on a yoga ball. “I rebranded my laziness as ‘executive preservation.’ I made two choices before lunch. I picked a font. I picked a salad. Now my brain is in airplane mode. If I choose a breath mint, the stock market crashes.”

Sarah Jenkins, a mid-level project manager, suffered the immediate fallout. She stood outside the executive suite holding a budget approval form. “I just need a yes or no,” Jenkins said while feeding the CEO applesauce. “But he is wearing his ‘Decision Full’ bib. He just points at the restroom when he needs to go. I have to guide him there so he doesn’t waste cognitive load on walking.”

At press time, the OmniCorp board replaced the entire C-suite with a Magic 8-Ball to double quarterly output.

Inspired by Jeff Bezos Says Successful People Find Ways to Make a Lot Fewer Decisions.