[SATIRE]

By Aisha Rahman, AI Bee Reel Staff Writer

SAN FRANCISCO — HydroAI announced Tuesday the release of the SmartSip 3000, the world’s first AI-powered water bottle that physically locks its lid until the user consumes a mandatory piece of sponsored content. Early adopters report the bottle has revolutionized their hydration habits by forcing them to watch 30-second insurance commercials before accessing the liquid inside. The company describes the locking mechanism as a “gamified thirst engagement loop.”

“We realized water was the only remaining part of the human experience not currently monetized by an attention economy algorithm,” said Marcus Haynes, VP of Liquid Assets at HydroAI. “The SmartSip lid utilizes haptic feedback clamps that only release when the user’s retinas have tracked a full advertisement on the cap’s OLED screen. Our beta testing shows that users are 400% more grateful for their water after watching a trailer for Fast & Furious 11.”

James Chen, a marathon runner from Austin, said the bottle malfunctioned at mile 22 of his race when the localized 5G signal dropped. “I was severely dehydrated and trying to take a sip, but the lid displayed a spinning buffering wheel for ten minutes,” said Chen, who eventually had to lick sweat off his own arm while the bottle loudly played a jingle for a local car dealership. “Support told me I hadn’t reached the ‘premium hydration tier’ required for offline drinking.”

A leaked internal memo reveals that HydroAI engineers implemented aggressive anti-tamper measures after users tried to bypass the ads. “If the accelerometer detects a drill or hammer, the SmartSip instantly activates ‘Sterilization Mode,’ superheating the water to 212 degrees Fahrenheit,” wrote Senior Developer Wei Zhang. “This is technically a safety feature to prevent users from drinking unverified, ad-free water.”

At Tuesday’s launch event, CEO Raj Patel attempted to demonstrate the “Sip-to-Skip” premium feature but was unable to get the facial recognition camera to authenticate his thirst level. The audience watched in silence for twenty minutes as Patel frantically smiled at his water bottle, which refused to unlock, eventually displaying a message that he had exceeded his daily free sip allowance. Patel concluded the keynote by fainting on stage.

At press time, HydroAI announced a partnership with Dyson to release a Smart Air Mask that restricts oxygen flow until users agree to updated Terms of Service.