[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — Several major tech companies, including Airtable and Opendoor, have announced a pivot to "refounding mode." Executives say this phase brings back the scrappy energy of a startup. Employees say it just brings back working on weekends.

The concept is simple. The company cuts resources but keeps the same goals. "We want the hunger of a garage startup," said Sophia Mwangi, VP of Strategic Culture at a major platform. "We want people to act like they own the place. But without actually giving them ownership of the place. That part is expensive."

In a real startup, early employees get equity. If the company wins, they get rich. In "refounding mode," the deal is different. "We offer emotional equity," explained Kevin Patel, Chief Agility Officer. "When you work until 9 PM, you feel a sense of pride. You cannot buy a house with pride. But you can sleep soundly knowing our stock price went up by four cents."

Staff are already feeling the change. One engineer reported that free coffee was replaced by a sign that says "Stay Hungry." Another said his manager scheduled a "brainstorming session" for Saturday morning. The invite called it a "growth opportunity."

At press time, management announced a new perk. Employees who work 80 hours a week will receive a sticker that says "Founder."

Inspired by The Tech Industry Is Forcing Employees to Choose a Side.