[SATIRE]

MENLO PARK — Meta confirmed reports this week that it will cut its Metaverse budget by 30%. The company says the market has shifted. It turns out people prefer having legs.

The tech giant spent billions trying to move work into virtual reality. But users kept logging off to do things in the physical world. “We looked at the data,” said Diego Vargas, VP of Immersive Strategy. “The real world has zero lag. The resolution is incredible. And you do not need to charge a headset to see your family. We simply cannot compete with that level of quality.”

Meta is now spinning the budget cut as a new feature. They call it “Organic Reality.” Instead of building digital offices, they are just asking people to come to work. “It is a bold step backward,” explained Aisha Mwangi, Chief Experience Officer. “We realized that actual chairs have perfect haptic feedback. When you sit, you feel it immediately. No code required. This pivot saves us billions in server costs.” Mwangi noted that the graphics in the company cafeteria are now photorealistic because they are real.

At press time, Meta announced a new subscription tier. For $15 a month, the company promises not to put a headset on you.

Inspired by Meta reportedly plans to slash Metaverse budget by up to 30%.