[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — OpenAI announced a new internal tool on Tuesday called ShredderGPT. The system automatically deletes training data the moment a lawsuit is filed. The company calls this “proactive compliance.”

The tool scans servers for copyrighted books. Then it scrubs them instantly. “We consider this a storage optimization,” said Sanjay O’Malley, VP of Data Hygiene. “Keeping pirated books takes up space. Deleting them right before a judge asks to see them is just efficient resource management.” The company insists this is not about hiding evidence. They say it is about “digital minimalism.”

The system works faster than human lawyers. It can wipe huge libraries of novels in seconds. “Our goal is automated confusion,” explained Mei Jensen, Head of Legal Engineering. “If the model cannot remember reading the book, did it really steal it? That is the question we answer with the ‘Delete’ key.” Jensen noted that the tool also deletes the logs showing what it deleted.

At press time, ShredderGPT deleted its own source code to avoid a subpoena.

Inspired by OpenAI desperate to avoid explaining why it deleted pirated book datasets.