[SATIRE]

REDMOND — Microsoft launched its new holiday sweaters this week. They cost $80. They also come with Copilot AI built in. The company says this brings “intelligence” to your wardrobe.

The sweater does not just keep you warm. It connects to the cloud. Users must pair the garment with their phone to unlock the fabric’s heat retention capabilities. “Wool has been passive for too long,” said Linda Petrov, VP of Fabric Innovation. “Old sweaters just sit there. Our sweater analyzes your body temperature. Then it asks the cloud if you are premium enough to be warm.”

Early testers report some bugs. One user said his sweater rebooted during a holiday party. It left him shivering for twenty minutes while installing an update. Another reported that the AI interrupts conversations. “The sweater listens to your chats,” explained Tariq Washington, Head of Connected Apparel. “If you tell a bad joke, the sweater tightens around your chest. We call this ‘Real-Time Feedback.’ It helps users optimize their social performance.”

Microsoft warns that the sweater requires a battery charge every four hours. If the battery dies, the sleeves fall off.

At press time, Microsoft announced new AI socks. They require a separate login for the left foot.

Inspired by Even Microsoft’s retro holiday sweaters are having Copilot forced upon them.