[SATIRE]

SEATTLE — Amazon announced a new ultra-fast delivery service on Tuesday. The company promises to bring groceries to your door in 30 minutes. To make this work, Amazon has updated its driver contracts. Drivers must now agree to ignore the laws of physics.

The new system assumes that traffic does not exist. It also assumes that red lights are just suggestions. "We looked at the data," said Chloe Washington, VP of Last Mile Innovation. "Stopping for pedestrians adds three minutes to a route. We have decided to optimize that time away. If a driver truly cares about the customer, they will find a way to phase through solid objects."

Drivers say the new app punishes them for obeying reality. If they drive at a safe speed, the phone makes a loud buzzing noise. It reminds them that a customer needs their toothpaste immediately. "We call it ‘Dynamic Routing’," explained Frank O’Malley, Director of Delivery Efficiency. "The map draws a straight line from the warehouse to the house. It does not account for buildings, rivers, or other cars. We expect our delivery partners to solve those minor hurdles on their own."

O’Malley noted that drivers who are late will be marked as "low velocity." Three strikes will lead to account termination. The company says this ensures high standards.

At press time, Amazon announced a new "Instant" tier. For an extra $5, the driver will arrive yesterday.

Inspired by Amazon starts testing ‘ultra-fast’ 30-minute deliveries.