[SATIRE]

NEW YORK — Keychain founder Oisin Hanrahan is spending $10,000 a month on a new proprietary technology. It is called “dinner.” The tech executive claims that sitting in a room with humans works better than spam emails.

The company treats these events like a software product. “We call it Synchronous Caloric Networking,” said Sanjay Silva, VP of Human Connection Strategy. “You sit with a client. You put food in your mouth. You talk without a mute button. The data transfer rate is incredible. We are seeing engagement numbers we never saw on Zoom.”

The startup realized that physical proximity reduces lag. “The latency is zero,” noted Linda Mwangi, Director of Analog Growth. “When you speak, the client hears it instantly. There is no loading spinner. We also found a hack called ‘paying the bill.’ When we pay for the pasta, it creates a ‘debt protocol’ in the client’s brain. They feel they must sign the contract.” Mwangi admitted the feature is expensive. However, she claims the bandwidth of a shared appetizer is unmatched.

At press time, the engineering team was beta-testing a risky new feature called “Eye Contact.” Early reports say it is causing anxiety for the developers.

Inspired by actual events.