[SATIRE]

SAN BRUNO — YouTube launched a new tool this week to fix your messy home screen. The company says the old feed had too many options. The new AI system organizes everything for you. But early users say it mostly hides the videos they want to watch.

The system groups videos into new categories. It pushes your subscriptions to the bottom of the page. “We found that choice is stressful,” said Elena Rodriguez, VP of Viewer Journey Mapping. “Our system now picks the best video for you. You do not need to waste time thinking about what to click.”

The update replaces recent videos with “suggested” content. This content is mostly short viral clips or ads. To find channels you actually follow, you must click four different buttons. The new layout also removes the dates from videos. It mixes clips from ten years ago with news from today. Users complain they cannot tell the difference.

“The numbers look great so far,” said David Liu, Head of Digital Attention Retention. “People now spend 20 minutes just looking for their favorite show. That counts as active time on the app. We view that as a huge win for engagement.” Liu noted that confusion often leads to more clicks.

At press time, YouTube announced a new “Classic Mode.” It shows your videos in order by date. It will cost an extra $12 per month.

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