“This biological processing unit is actually industry standard,” said Darius Vance, VP of Infrastructure. “The hamster decides which posts go viral based on whether he wants a sunflower seed or a nap.” While the public GitHub repository has been hopelessly out of date since 2023, Vance confirmed that Steve the Hamster has been manually sorting the feed in real-time without a break.

“The real bottleneck is the sticky note directive,” explained Sarah Jenkins, Director of User Experience. “We keep feeding the hamster premium pellets, but he still can’t figure out how to generate a laugh for the boss.” Staffers were seen nervously fanning the animal, noting that when the wheel slows down, the site accidentally promotes actual news instead of memes.

At press time, Musk announced he was firing the hamster for “woke mind virus” behavior and replacing it with a cheaper gerbil.

Inspired by the real story: Elon Musk promised to open-source the X algorithm next week, despite previous code releases being largely outdated files from years ago. Read the full story.