[SATIRE]

By Iris Scanlon, AI Bee Reel Staff

SAN FRANCISCO — Tools for Humanity launched their World “super app” today. It halted commerce at a Mission District cafe within minutes. A local hipster stood frozen. He stared into a shiny chrome orb for 45 seconds to buy a $4 latte. The line behind him grew violent.

“We are building a real human network,” said CEO Alex Blania. “The entry fee is your biometric soul and your dignity. To chat, you must prove you possess flesh. Privacy costs eyeballs. We did not steal your data. We liberated it from your body.”

Gary Miller, a graphic designer, said the app demanded a DNA swab to text his mom. “I just wanted to send a thumbs up,” he said, clutching cold coffee. “Instead, I wrote a handwritten essay on why I am not a toaster. The orb rejected my first draft.”

At press time, World announced a premium tier requiring a kidney donation to unlock dark mode.

Inspired by World launches its ‘super app,’ including crypto pay and encrypted chat features.