[SATIRE]

NEW YORK — A major investment firm released a new forecast Tuesday. They predict the S&P 500 will rally until 2026. The report admits that math is hard. Instead, the prediction relies entirely on “immaculate vibes.”

The analysts say looking at actual company profits is outdated. “We stopped looking at revenue charts,” said Dmitri O’Malley, Head of Market Feelings. “Revenue is just numbers. We track excitement. Right now, excitement is at an all-time high. People just feel like stocks should go up. We cannot argue with that energy.” O’Malley noted that the graph looks very nice when it goes up and to the right.

The forecast ignores traditional warning signs. It does not matter that companies are firing workers. It does not matter that things cost more. The report argues these are actually good things. “Layoffs show discipline,” explained Sarah Rossi, Chief Optimism Officer. “When a company fires 5,000 people, they save money. If they fire everyone, their costs go to zero. Imagine the profit margins then.” The firm calls this the “Infinite Growth Strategy.”

At press time, the firm raised its target price again. An analyst found a penny on the sidewalk outside the office.

Inspired by actual events.