[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — Visa released new research today redefining what it means to be rich. The report says having one million dollars is no longer “wealthy.” It is now classified as “starter money.”

The study found that inflation has moved the goalposts. “We want to manage expectations,” said Sarah Jenkins, VP of Wealth Perception. “A million dollars is a great milestone. It shows you tried. But in this economy, it buys a very nice shed in Seattle. It is not ‘quit your job’ money. It is ‘keep working until you are 95’ money.”

The report suggests that true wealth now starts at much higher levels. The new “Middle Class” tier begins at five million dollars. “We look at purchasing power,” explained David Okafor, Chief Economic Reality Officer. “In the 1990s, a millionaire drove a Ferrari. Today, a millionaire drives a Toyota and has a Netflix subscription without ads. We call this the ‘Premium Economy’ lifestyle. You have legroom, but you are not flying the plane.”

Visa advises new millionaires to keep their day jobs. They suggest cutting costs by eating at home and avoiding expensive hobbies, like buying eggs.

At press time, Visa announced a new credit card specifically for people with one million dollars. It offers cash back on bulk rice and beans.

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