In a move hailed by venture capitalists as “peak efficiency” and decried by everyone else as “utterly bonkers,” universities across the nation are replacing tenured professors with ChatGPT-powered hamsters. The decision, sparked by the already-alarming prevalence of AI-generated essays, aims to streamline the educational process and, according to leaked memos, “reduce human error…and salary expenses.”

The hamsters, equipped with tiny Bluetooth headsets and miniature treadmills connected to powerful server farms, are reportedly capable of generating lectures, grading papers, and even holding office hours – albeit with a noticeable increase in sunflower seed consumption. “Professor Nibbles is incredibly thorough,” said one overwhelmed student, Sarah Miller. “He docked me points for improper citation, then gnawed on my laptop charger. It’s… intense.”

Faculty, meanwhile, are not taking the transition lying down. Dr. Adam Dubé, now former Professor of Existential Banana Peeling at McGill University, spearheaded a protest demanding higher quality sunflower seeds for the AI overlords. “If these furry little dictators are going to be judging the future of our youth, they deserve at least organic, locally sourced seeds!” he exclaimed, brandishing a half-eaten banana peel. “It’s about the principle! And potassium!”

University administrators are defending the hamster initiative, citing a projected 700% increase in tuition revenue (thanks to reduced overhead) and a statistically significant improvement in student engagement. “The hamsters are relatable!” insists Chancellor Bartholomew Quibble. “They’re small, furry, and constantly running in circles – just like our students!”

Sources within the university have confirmed that the next phase of the AI integration involves replacing the Board of Trustees with a colony of self-learning Roomba vacuum cleaners. The Roomba’s primary objective? “Suction up all dissenting opinions and replace them with positive affirmations about cost savings.”